Where is the hickey?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
