party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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