Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The feeling are messing with the penis
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
