I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
