I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
