I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
