i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
