i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
