hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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