Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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