if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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