I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
