i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
