something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
