This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
