You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
