you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
