did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
