I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
