Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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