Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
