eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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