I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
