He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You are a genius and a whore.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
