Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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