I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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