That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
