eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
