How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
