In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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