hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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