First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
