Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
