I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
