someone get that fucking seahorse.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
