So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
