apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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