so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He shit in the fireplace
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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