You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
