Apparently you make a good broom.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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