I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we're making bets on your personal life
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
