chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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