I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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