Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
