So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
