dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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