I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
