Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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