awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
