So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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