Im at strip club and am horny
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
