You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
