someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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