The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize