i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
