I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize