i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She needs sedatives and a leash
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
