Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
