The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
