your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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