Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
