Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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