just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
