I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize