So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
