my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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