gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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