Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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