someone owes me an orgasm
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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