I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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