No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
