So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
