My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
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Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
