I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
